And yet we go through another wave. This post spoke to me. Indeed today was the first day that I acknowledged the fact that I’m fearful once again by yet another wave. These waves have been persisting — or perhaps I’ve become more aware of them — for the past year and a half, if not longer.
These waves bring great clarity and understanding of my journey. I get to dissect another layer of myself that isn’t quite my core but has shaped me who I am today. These waves usually end up in a lot of tears, anxiety, fear and stress. As soon as I can feel the tides pulling back for the rumble of the wave to turn me upside, inside out and spit me back on shore again, I become fearful of what deep down muck is going to surface now. At the end I’m always thankful and send my loving gratitude for another deeper understanding of myself.
Despite that I know this ‘another’ wave, it still creates some form of fear. Especially when you believe you have shed so much and think there’s not that much ‘thick’ layers left. Each layer usually brings out either a (childhood) trauma or a(n) ancestral wound. It first comes in a form of a toxic trait that you have adopted to shield yourself from whatever previous wound you have experienced. We then take our time to dissect this toxic trait by questioning where it stems from. This isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Especially when the wound is buried that deep under the surface or sometimes it’s literally right in your face but you just can’t see it.
This ‘wave’ brought up two heavy fears that over the years have become a toxic trait. 1) The fear of being manipulated and, 2) the fear of instability.
Any empath can vouch that they have, somewhere in their lives, come across a ‘(perverted) narcissists’. These ‘(perverted) narcissists’ crave the light and love an Empath has to offer and suck out all their positive energy to make themselves feel good till there’s no more. Once they notice you’re no longer a supplier for their addiction to snuffing out positive energy, they quickly discard you as if you are nothing but an used toy. They use manipulation, lies and deceit to get their way. Once the Empath is discarded, he/she is left lifeless, drained and empty. They start to think back on all the memories when they felt lied to or manipulated.
As an Empath, the recovery process is one for the books. Especially if they’ve been doubting themselves beforehand. I have realized that I quickly push people away or take distance from them as soon as I feel one shred of manipulation. Sad part is, not everyone is out to manipulate or deceive you. Regardless, the lesson that is learned here is the awareness and how to set clear and healthy boundaries WHEN you feel like you’re being deceived or manipulated.
My second toxic trait is the fear of instability. If you’ve ever been in a situation, whether it be a relationship, friendship or work, where you’ve given your all — and when I say your all.. I literally mean your ALL — and it turns out that things didn’t pan out the way you’d hoped.. a fear of instability can arise. Especially for Capricorns who crave stability. The very second you feel as if something isn’t stable, you quickly remove yourself from that situation. I’m really big on planning. I’ve always seen it as a negative trait because I know I come through when things are planned and I have a responsibility to uphold. I can admit that due to my fear I have become very slack in a lot of things. This too is a lesson to become more aware. To not let the past dictate my future actions and keep others into account the way I’d want them to keep me into account.
Additionally, it is also an awareness that the stability needs to be created within first before I can give it to others.
We are never done riding these ‘waves’ and yes, the anxiety of them might still come now and then. But it is true that every wave comes with a clearer vision. You might not be able to see clearly because you’re busy being tumbled all over the place but even with this the rule to ‘not panic when you’re drowning’ applies. Of course, it’s so much easier said than done. But with practice it’ll get easier.
Welcome the waves. Stay calm. Try to verbalize or jot down what you feel. Or speak to someone you trust and ask them their experience of you. Someone else will notice the little things you don’t. Because you trust this person, you know it comes from a place of Love and not an attack. And if it does feel like an attack, verbalize that to them so that they can try to explain it to you differently. Also, do not beat yourself up for your messiness. Ultimately it is your truth that needs to come out. This has been your reality for a long time that you now have the chance to alter.
We’re ascending, growing, changing, upgrading, leveling up, whatever you want to call it. Despite that this is an individual journey… you are not alone.
Love & Light
A Light Being
